Dial-a-bus is the third episode of the fourth series of Still Game.
|Season 4, Episode 3|
|Air date||5 August 2005|
|Written by||Ford Kiernan and Greg Hemphill|
|Directed by||Michael Hines|
The episode opens with the Dial-a-bus pulling into the street next to Osprey Heights. The bus driver, Davie, helps Isa with her messages. Isa introduces Jack and Victor to Davie and they ask if they could use the Dial-a-bus. Davie agrees to take them to the Clansman. They comment how they've won a watch, as taxis would be so expensive. Davie, however, doesn't accept any money from them.
In the Clansman, Boaby is on the phone to the brewery. They have agreed to send a temp while Boaby is taking a break each Tuesday to cycle round the countryside. Jack and Victor come in, followed by Winston, who teases the two for taking the Dial-a-bus. Winston states that the Dial-a-bus is for decrepit old dafties and is the first step to getting buried. Boaby tells Jack and Victor that they should get some exercise like himself. Jack and Victor tease Boaby about the bike.
At Navid's, Tam has filled the van up with petrol, but Navid is not going to the Cash and Carry today. Tam is extremely disappointed. Navid tells Tam that he must live an empty life for getting so excited about the Cash and Carry, but agrees to go next Tuesday. Tam can't wait to get the free samples.
On Saturday, Jack and Victor decide to take the Dial-a-bus because it is raining. However, Davie is not there as he is off with depression. Instead, the driver is a miserable woman who charges Jack and Victor the full fare.
When Tuesday comes, Boaby tells the temp, Matt, to watch out for the regulars as they can be "sarcastic bastards". To prove his point, Eric makes fun of Boaby for his cycling attire. As for Winston, he finds a photo of himself with Jack and Victor, which he doctors to have him beside Boaby.
At Costco, Tam tries out the free samples of Nut Nuggies, chocolate sweets filled with peanut butter and nougat. However, he eats too much off them and makes himself sick, much to Navid's displeasure.
Under the guise of Harvey Gallagher, Winston manages to convince Matt that he is the real owner of the Clansman, and Boaby is really his manager. Matt is bewildered, but doesn't argue. Winston gives his friends free drinks.
Jack, Victor and Isa take the Dial-a-bus today. The good news is that Davie has returned to his work, however, he charges them full fare. Isa feels that Davie is still unwell. As the journey continues, Davie starts behaving erratically. Isa hands Jack and Victor doughnuts from Greggs and offers Davie one too. This makes Davie behave even more manic, and the pensioners find themselves being kidnapped.
In the countryside, Boaby has came across a nice country pub. He goes in and finds the barman is his double. The place looks much nicer than the Clansman, and there is a beautiful blonde girl named Lisa helping out at the bar. Two old men, looking like Jack and Victor, come in and the barman calls them the 'Two Ronnies'. The men take the joke, unlike Jack and Victor who like to slag Boaby. Boaby seems embarrassed by his profession and pretends to be a lawyer.
On the Dial-a-bus, the OAPs are debating the best way to tackle Davie. Victor suggests that Jack boxes him, but Jack ends up being thrown into his seat. Soon, they meet Navid and Tam in their van. Jack and Victor try to send them a message to say they are in trouble. Navid decides to follow them, but Davie sees this and tries to reverse into them. Navid backs away from Davie. As a result, the van stops right outside a school and the stock falls out the back of the van. Comically, the school children rush out to grab the stock and Navid is left screaming.
The OAPs soon find themselves in the countryside, far away from Craiglang. Jack and Victor have another idea. They get Isa to seduce Davie. The plan almost works, but Davie almost runs over Boaby on his bike. Boaby ends up falling in the loch, and this causes Davie to come to his senses. The OAPs take the opportunity to shut Davie out the bus. As Davie sees Boaby coming to confront him, Davie tries to reason with his passengers. They call him a crackpot and refuse to let him on the bus. Davie says he saw a pub on the way and they agree to let him in.
They go to the same pub that Boaby was in earlier. Davie apologises for his behaviour. He explains that he has been depressed because his mother has been ill and he has been trying to care for her, but his mother won't eat anything but Greggs doughnuts. Davie says his mother gives him a hard time about it and the stress has really been affecting him. Victor says they can understand, but they were all terrified on the journey. Davie asks if they are going to report him to the police, but they let him off, due to his illness. Isa advices Davie to take a holiday when they get back to Craiglang.
At the Clansman, Winston is holding a karaoke with Eric singing Frank Sinatra's 'My Way'. Winston is horrified to see that Boaby is back and tries to escape by going onto the Dial-a-bus. Davie asks where Winston is going, but Winston unwisely calls Davie a 'doughnut', causing Davie to have another mental breakdown. The episode ends with Davie driving Winston into the night singing the Magical Mystery Tour as Winston bangs on the window for help.
After the credits roll, we see that Navid has all the schoolchildren lined up as he tries to identify what they ate and charges them for the snacks. The teacher apologises for the incident, but Navid smells his breath and it turns out that he had eaten Poppets.