|Season N/A, Episode N/A|
|Air date||28 December 2005|
|Written by||Ford Kiernan and Greg Hemphill|
|Directed by||Michael Hines|
Who's the Daddy?
Christmas is nearly here, although there is fat chance of a white christmas in Craiglang.
The episode opens with Winston sitting in his house, watching TV, when the doorbell goes. It turns out to be a ned taking orders for fresh turkeys. He tells Winston that it costs £6 if he comes and collects it after dark from Rosshill Farm, where the ned claims to work . Winston is suspicious, but he agrees as it is such a good bargain.
Navid is getting into the Christmas spirit by making mulled wine for his customers. Jack and Victor enjoy the mulled wine, as well as Pete the Jakey, who only comes into the shop for the wine, and nothing else.
In the Clansman, Tam manages to get a free drink from Boaby, after failing to understand Boaby's goodwill message. It turns out that Frances has a large list for Tam on who they have to send Christmas cards to.
At the supermarket, Eric is fighting with the customers over stuffing and sprouts. Winston tries to help Eric, but he tells Eric that he already has his Christmas dinner sorted.
In town, Jack and Victor meet an elderly woman and they tell her about Isa making them their Christmas dinner without them having to help. The woman calls them a "pair of using bastards".
Isa visits her friend Jessie with provisions for Christmas. Tragically, Jessie dies while Isa is still in her house.
That evening, Boaby tells Isa he is sorry to hear of Jessie's death. Since Isa has to due all the cooking for the OAPs Christmas dinner, Boaby asks Jack and Victor to give Isa this year off and come there instead. They refuse as they would rather have Isa cooking them their dinner. Isa reluctantly agrees.
As for Tam, he has recycled old cards to make them look like Christmas cards. He has taken to delivering them himself to save on the postage costs.
At Rosshill Farm, Winston meets the ned with his turkey. It turns out that his turkey is still alive and that the ned knows nothing about farming. Of course, the ned has stolen the turkey and has lied to Winston in order to get money. Winston is left with the live turkey.
Winston is now left with the prospect of killing the turkey. He finds he cannot bring himself to do so. In order to get it to kill itself, Winston has his turkey cross a busy road, although it comes back alive. He also tries pushing it off a wall and he even tries asking a butcher to kill it for him.
On Christmas Eve, Tam is still left with many undelivered Christmas cards. Chris teases him about the difficulties of being a postman. Tam tells Chris to shut up, but Chris offers to help Tam. They end up emptying the cards into the canal.
Jack and Victor realise that they still haven't bought Isa her bottle of Advocaat. However, Navid has sold out of Advocaat as it is the most popular Christmas drink. They tell Navid how they have a nice setup with Isa that the bottle of Advocaat buys them their Christmas dinner. To make matters worse, Isa has overheard the conversation through the beads, and is very sad at Jack and Victor.
On Christmas Day, Jack and Victor are left with the prospect of no Christmas Dinner. They exchange rather humble gifts of a pipe knife for Jack and shaving blades for Victor. They manage to put together tuna and kidney beans for lunch, and cornflakes for pudding, although neither appeals to them.
At the OAPs Christmas Dinner, Eric is surprised to see Winston there. Winston tells Eric that he let his turkey go. Jack and Victor stand outside the Community Centre singing 'God Rest Thee, Merry Gentlemen'. They are allowed in, and Isa forgives them. Frances asks a woman if she got their Christmas card when Tam comes with the mistletoe, to prevent this awkward question.
The episode ends with Winston's turkey wandering about Craiglang as sleet falls.
After the credits roll, it is revealed that the turkey is being cooked by Pete and his tramp friends. They comment that it is a gift from the gods.